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Regrets, I've lived them through.4/16/2023 Romance –
Well, I’ve already told some of the stories, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that when someone paid a great deal of attention to me that I would make the mistake of marrying her. When I first saw Thetis, I wasn’t totally attracted to her as I had been online. But at that point I felt an obligation to follow through. I had several opportunities to escape our relationship – the biggest was when I found out she was lying to me about her age and number of kids. But foolishly I didn’t, instead forgave the devil and lived to regret it. So yes, when we met, she claimed to be 31 and have 2 kids, it was only when we got rejected from crossing the border together that she was forced to reveal the truth. The border services issued a return to Canada form which included our information from our drivers’ licenses, including birthdates. When we returned to Canada, I suffered a panic attack, and we took a break at a park in Niagara Falls for me to catch my breath. While the abrupt rejection by armed border patrol telling me I couldn’t go into the US with her, she thought I was panicking because I had read her birthdate on the form. Seriously?! It was then, in my weakened state, she revealed the truth about her age. This was major flag number two for me which again I ignored. I wonder if, during the times Thetis lied to Harmonia about me she told the story of how her mother repeatedly deceived me and how I foolishly forgave her every time? I highly doubt it. Thetis was my first, and after our divorce I made up for lost time. In several relationships after I either wanted to commit and they didn’t, or they were somewhat unattainable. And where does that leave me now? Fifty-two years old, divorced, and by no means “a catch” as they say. It’s not self-pity, it’s based on facts – false teeth, blind in one eye and impaired in the other, and no drivers license or car – I wouldn’t date me why would any woman wanting a future? It’s not like love, loyalty, dedication, compassion or integrity pays the bills, right? My mistake, the point at which I could have done something differently, where I was in complete control – April 17, 1994. If I had just decided ‘no’ to a relationship with Thetis, my life would have taken a completely different course. I think I would have quit my job at the food and drug store, and either went to work for a brand-name retailer or went back to working in security. A return to college wasn’t out of the question either, as after I left the first time I applied and was accepted on two separate occasions but just couldn’t get the money together to make it happen. It would have taken me longer to get my first car, but Brampton had a decent enough transit system that I could have survived. I would have been friends with Fornjot (male) and Farbauti (male) longer, but the latter would have still moved away. Fornjot still lives in Brampton, is married with kids, and I think still works for the same company he did after I left. If I had had sex with Thetis and then dumped her, I would have had the lust and desire to pursue other relationships. I’m guessing that by my life at the time, that I would have fallen in love and married by 1999. I don’t know after that; would I still be married? With kids? I probably wouldn’t have gone to Nunavut, or Alberta, I wouldn’t have suffered years of depression in a loveless mentally abusive marriage to a gold digger. I say this because I would have, more likely, met and married someone closer to my own age. I might have continued lusting after Nyx, and I might have convinced her to sleep with me. I mean, I’d be living nearby so my feelings for her wouldn’t have been cooled by the distance of living apart. And what about that – if I didn’t end up moving to Ohio a half a dozen people wouldn’t have entered or remained in my life. Would the losses outweigh the gains? I wouldn’t have received some limited help for my depression, but then I might not have ended up in such a bad state to begin with. I say this because the day I left Thetis my mood completely changed, it was like a wet weighted blanket had been lifted off me and much of my depression retreated to a point where I could control it (as I do now) without medication. I wouldn’t have discovered or pursued neo-paganism, at least not in 1999, which brought me peace and a reconnection with the Earth. I wouldn’t have had a daughter, Harmonia, but let’s face it I never did much anyways. With my mentally abusive schedule and the terms years after our divorce I was barely a father to her by 2005 let alone biologically. Everything bad that happened in our marriage my ex- blamed me for and brainwashed my child against me. About a decade after I left, I found an online journal written by my estranged daughter who was about 16 at the time. If what had been written by her was true and accurate, I would have left it up. I’m not afraid of my past and the mistakes I had actually made. But it was clearly influenced by my ex-, my daughter had written half a dozen “memories” of her life when she was under 6 years old and had been in school all of one year. Her “memories” were based on actual events but clearly written with a bias that made them incorrect and defaming of my character. I contacted the website provider and informing them that the entry was defamatory they immediately deleted it. To my knowledge it was the only time she wrote about me online, at least so publicly. If I had a positive and supportive relationship, would I get married again? Probably not, thanks to the lying adulterous b* of my ex. Once bitten twice shy after all.
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